July 2013

I tell J. about my difficulties in everyday life. How hard it is with my mother with my partner, with money situation and my survival needs. A question arises in me as I tell her my stories: what’s the meaning of all of this, why do I have this mother this husband? What’s the meaning of going through these experiences?

There is no meaning if I’m just somebody that suffers, being bounced forth and back from situation to situation. There is a meaning if I stay present with every experience, if there is inquiry and interest in the truth, in being Real. I start feeling Real in my heart.

It’s a very simple feeling, not big not small but real with myself and life. No Judgment is arising to compare or make me feel rejection of what there is. This is who I am and this is my life. I feel the yearning to be real and to live life from non doing, at that moment I hear a strong noise outside and I stand up to close the window. I notice this is happening without thinking or planning, simply being present in the moment, doing with non-doing.

Staying with the yearning to live my life from this non- doing place, I feel a window in my heart opening to light, optimism and freedom. Being present in the moment, doesn’t have to do with any suffering, there is no need now to  to plan, and do and push and make it.

The non-doing brings helplessness and a sense of suffocation. I stay with the non-doing. I keep describing it and at some point while J. is silent I ask if she is there. She points me back to my question. And than I see.

I see that when I cross this inner border that my mother put in my childhood. I find myself in an unfamiliar sense of self, when I am talking my truth, than I look for mother again to go back to familiar safe sense of self.

I see how my mother, out of love, wanted me to be like her, this is how she survived life. I feel a lot of love for her just pure love when I see this truth. I continue to look at the point where I unconsciously leave the state of Freedom and I start to feel pressure in my ribs. I feel suffocating again. My body becomes like the body of my mother. So familiar. It’s not familiar to speak my truth. It’s familiar to be like my mother. There it’s safe. There I am loyal to her.

I start to speak again and I feel I want J. to confirm what I say and feel. I stay with it, since she is not going with me. I get to discover something very important about how parents should be with children.

How complicated and gentle it is to be a parent. On one hand a parent gives limits of physical world and behaviour to a young child and at the same time how can he not cut off the potentiality of Being of the child. This precious Being that is usually cut off and ignored with judgments and with ignorance of parents about their own Being.

I feel the freedom in front of me, like an infinite stream of light. Then I look at the people I am in contact in my everyday life situations and I realise that I wish to let them have their own freedom to live their lives like I feel right now.

I sense the Pearl and the possibility to live from freedom to have my own borderns and put borders to others, it’s in all relationships.

I look again for J. and she tells me, that she’s doing the same like I have just said. Letting me be with my life and my truth on my own. I feel so touched. I didn’t see this. I had my mother on my back projected on my teacher J. all this time. I  couldn’t see beyond this. That also J. and also truth itself does it. They teach me to live and let live.

It brings a lot of awareness into the alonness, like seeing in 360 degrees. I can stay deeper and see how I look for mother with each step that I go towards freedom. My back feels more relaxed now and open, as if the stream of light is not only at the front of me but goes through me, and the front of my body is awake and able to stand on my own. I feel more individuated and separated. And I am not alone, Truth and Being are here.