July 2013

I start to talk about an argument I just had with my partner. I feel heat in my body and anger. I feel hate towards him and see how it takes away all of my awareness. I start to cry feeling helplessness in trying to help my partner (or any other member of my family).

I say I don’t know how to be with him. I don’t know how to be in the relationship with him. I inquire about my mind and see how awareness is embracing the pain in my throat. I inquire into some splitting I feel in my mind. I see how I was reactive a minute ago and now I am not.

I feel some integration going on in my mind. I feel it’s important for me to look into what just happened with My partner. That there is something I don’t see. J. brings me back after a while into my throat. I feel the rigidity in my throat and feel the structure of my mother, her aggressiveness, hate and pride.

I feel the pride as I lower my head down as it becomes heavy. I feel this is what I wish to do in front of My partner, to lower my head, instead of being rigid and prideful. I try to see what I split. I feel I entered an unconscious zone of my awareness. Like I don’t have words in this place and I  only need to trust my body to know.

I feel something is being integrated physically. I feel a lot of pressure in my throat at this point and my mind is all foggy and blank. J. asks me what I am protecting and calls for more truth. I feel the rigidity in my body, I feel like it becomes as hard as armour.

It takes time to understand what I protect. I feel I really can’t see. I am inside an unconscious, preverbal place. I feel myself as a structure, I feel the pride, I feel a deep pain in my heart to see how I am with my partner, when I’m in this rigid prideful place, taking myself to be right while he is wrong, I am good and he is bad.

It’s a different pain then before, like a scratch in my heart. It’s a very bitter pain. I start to feel some vibrations in my body and can sense immense love being condensed and protected inside the body. I can feel how I protect the holes of my body so this love will be safe and held.

I feel the holes of my eyes, the mouth and the vagina. I feel there is so much love that if I let go of the rigidity of my body I will explode away.

I see that also hate and other emotions, or everything that is being produced out of this body is made of love but in an incomplete or distorted way. I understand now how it can feel to be with my partner with all my body and not only with parts. I protect myself when I am with him. I split love when I am angry or upset at him. I realize how splitting is so invisible and unconscious.

Writing this right now helps me to integrate more and understand what was happening. I feel a bit strange, or unpleasant as I see that there was pride along the inquiry that I didn’t see and no humbleness. I feel some shame now and I see that I wish to project it outside and blame somebody else or be angry at you J.. Not that you did something but just to project and split again on you this uncomfortable places of myself. Wow…. so.much to see.

photo by Image by pixabay