As I start to talk about the hate I feel the identification with it. I see I push away everything, like a wall, I am resisting to everything, everything that is not me I hate. Everything bounces back from this wall of hate. Nothing can penetrate.
I feel I am the hate, the negativity, I feel the wish to destroy and the false power that I can destroy everything. I am going into the core of the hate. I feel castrated, cut from my legs down, and hate for being castrated. I sense in my body the submission to society.
I sense in my body the ego’s weight, how heavy it feels to feel like a lie. It changes to feeling like the devil itself, the cynical point of view of life from this place. Hate, manipulation, using others, survival force. I feel it in my bones. I am the structure. This is who I am. And still i am curious about the ability to be aware of it and share it with J.
I sit with this for some time and see that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t change it. For a moment I see how my mind made up this story and is identifying with it. This observation of the illusion of my sense of self is overwhelming and somehow makes me feel blocked again. I see a veil, and feel that I am a lie.
Another voice comes in, not liking what there is and a wish to disappear. I sense into an unpleasant sense of nothingness and hear the words “I am nobody”. To J. question who is nobody? I start to sense numbness in my genitals and an empty sense of self.
The castration becames a hole in my genitals. The veil becomes very thin, transparent but still exists, with the understanding that I can’t disappear but will always be in this body as long as I am alive. It feels like I have rented this body for a while.
Staying with this I feel awakening of the cells of my body, a vibrated sense of self. I see the possibility, the potentiality to have a physical body and yet be connected to a vast wisdom beyond all horizons. It feels so free. Like freedom itself took me on its wings and my heart feels so light and spacious.
I feel the enlightment force in action. But as I speak of it, I sense again the regular sense of self, with no value, arising out of nowhere. The small sense of self that is merging now with this truth of who I am, and yet I feel how my habit is to believe this regular, safe, small sense of self. It takes the energy out and I start to sense a disconnection again and a taste of object relation with J. as she tells me the session is over. I want the connection with J. to continue, I am angry that we have to disconnect.
It brings up the question on autonomy and connection. On knowing the truth but not being able to stay there alone. This is a theme I know very well, that comes up in many of our sessions. Wanting to feel connection in all cost and so quickly selling my own power and wisdom for this comfortable, safe feeling of false belonging.
I feel what is new, is an ability to stay with this uncomfortable place, unpleasant sensations of myself and be just present with curiosity. I feel the taste of my Self now in relationship to my husband and life in general. The egoistic behaviour, the negativity and pushing away, the hate I seldom feel. I’m sitting with this right now, just seeing many unpleasant truths about myself and others around me.
Now I can see it with objectivity, like an ability to see through all veils. Knowing my own hate, greed, manipulations I see through all. It’s painful and what is hard is to know I can’t do anything about this, but to continue knowing myself.